The new season of Hard Knocks starts tomorrow and I am praying to God that they step it up from the shit show that was the Los Angeles Rams last year. Now we got famous Jameis who’s already talking shit to a little kid who can’t catch a football. We got actually good players this year like Mike Evans, Gerald McCoy, and DeSean Jackson, unlike the trash bag that is the Los Angeles Rams. Keep your eyes out for the Bucs going 12-4 next year. Here’s what to expect this year from Hard Knocks.
Tampa Bay, the sweaty asshole of America, is going to be hosting this event so get ready for fancy dinners at Hooters and world class accommodations at the Holliday Inn. I’ve never been to Tampa Bay and I may not ever go, but the reviews are not fantastic. I think it’s funny that the stadium is named after a wealth management company as if anyone living in Tampa has ever managed their wealth. Either way, it’s going to be hot as balls down there so expect plenty of dehydration and heat stroke from the line.
Jameis Winston is going to be the star of the show. After listening to him trying to hype up Florida St at halftime against Ole Miss last year, I have fully supplanted myself in the Jameis Winston fan club. The dude has a cannon for an arm and (insert crab joke for his legs) long, speedy, almost crustacean like legs. If the cameras show Jameis chewing out his O-line, the season will have already been made for me. It’s his accent mixed in with him just shitting on people that makes him absolutely.
We got Jon Gruden on the sideline pretending like he doesn’t want to coach in the NFL again. I personally like a little more edge in my head coach so I hope Dirk Koetter steps it up during Hard Knocks this year. Then we got DeSean Jackson coming in hot with the gang signs. Writing this is almost like writing about a legit TV show with fake characters and fake plot, except this is all real stuff.
The Bucs should actually be a good team this year with a pretty exceptional offense when Doug Martin is healthy and a solid defense when Brent Grimes’s wife isn’t getting him kicked off the team. The Buccaneers and the Titans this year are going to be the teams that sports writers hype up all season until they both end up shitting the bed and end up 8-8. It’s basically been those two teams since Mariota and Winston have been drafted, except “This year is different,” and “Those were rebuilding years.”
For the show itself I hope they find some electric fifth stringers that almost never make the team, but because they were so popular on the show, they get plopped on the practice squad. Basically, if your entertaining enough, you can find a way on the team. It’s almost like the Bachelor where they never get rid of the most entertaining character until the end so they can create more drama. I’m looking forward to stupid injuries like when they took the golf cart on a joyride last year. I will seriously be missing Jeff Fisher but maybe they could do a “Where are they now” with him sometime during this season.
Overall, Tampa should be a step up from last year and should be a proper breeding ground for fights (just think if we caught that Geno fight on tape), arguments, and general debauchery. I will be counting down the episodes until DeSean Jackson body slams a db.