Close your eyes. Imagine its the 2000 NBA Dunk Contest. Vince Carter puts on the greatest performance mankind has ever seen… and he’s wearing a 2017 red and black Raptors jersey. Now open your eyes. I will give a few seconds to find the nearest toilet or trash bin to vomit in. Vince Carter isn’t Vince Carter without Dino the Dinosaur.

Why the fuck don’t they bring back the old jerseys from the 80s, 90s, and 2000s? Literally every single NBA jersey was better in the 90s and now Nike tries to spring this shit on us.

No, I won’t have it. Don’t give me any new alternate jersey unless it was an original design. No matter what bright colors you give me, you can’t replicate the Toronto Dino jerseys or the Big Country Grizzlies jerseys, you simply cannot. All of the jerseys made 15-30 years ago were better and it’s not even close. It’s ridiculous how reluctant teams are towards bringing these back or at least selling them. Jersey sales would rise by like 1000% and the NBA ratings would rise 10000%. So let’s go through each fucking jersey so I can prove my point (besides the Celtics, Bulls, Cavs, Clippers, Knicks, Spurs, Trail Blazers, Kings, and Lakers because they haven’t drastically changed their jerseys).

Atlanta Hawks

I don’t even need to write anything because their current uniform is so trash, but they literally have three much more suitable jerseys. They basically sat in a room and thought, “Hmmm how could we make red jerseys look awful?” someone else in the room says, “blue might be a good touch.” The boss, Peter, who is authoritative, yet amiable to the rest of the office shouts, “No! We need something different. We gotta get the people going!” The rest of the office starts spouting out ideas until Sharon, the shy accountant, says, “neon yellow.” The board room is silent until Pete says, “That’s it! We need neon yellow.” Anyway, I think you guys can realize how idiotic neon yellow is on an NBA jersey. Their old jerseys were infinity times better.

Brooklyn Nets

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For a shockingly bad franchise, they’ve actually done a solid job with the new jerseys. But they still moved the team to Brooklyn, and you can’t beat those baby blues they were rocking in the 90s.

Charlotte Hornets

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One of the teams that majorly fucked up their jerseys. They had one of the best jerseys in the NBA BY FAR. I will give them some of a break because they moved to New Orleans and then back to Charlotte. BUT STILL, these are awesome jerseys that they need to bring back.

Dallas Mavericks

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Dallas current unis suck, and blue and green are always a very nice combo. They absolutely need to go back to those jerseys. Do the right thing Mark Cuban. The current jersey feels stuck in 2005 and might as well have been sponsored by FUBU.

Denver Nuggets

NO FUCKING BRAINER right here. The old jersey was one of the best uniforms of all time, and its not even debatable. Not only did they get right of an amazing jersey, but they replaced it with the ugliest piece of shit I have ever seen. Why would they completely change their color scheme that worked for years?! Outrageous change, another classic 2000s type of move that I despise. Just go back Nuggets, it’s easy and you will make so much more money.

Detroit Pistons

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Boy did these guys screw up. Teal or turquoise are arguably the best color ways and not just one, but multiple teams got rid of it on their jerseys. It makes absolutely no sense. Who looks at these and says these aren’t fire? The new jerseys are so fucking vanilla. They aren’t even the 80s jerseys they won 2 ships in. Again, the old jerseys win.

Golden State Warriors

Another uniform that’s good but could be better if they stuck to the old jerseys. While they’ve done a good job bringing back the old 80s color ways, we need the We Believe Warriors jerseys back. Were they cheesy? Probably. Were they sick af, especially when Jason Richardson won the dunk contest? Absolutely.

Houston Rockets

Hakeem Olajuwon #34 of the Houston Rockets stands on the court during the game against the Orlando Magic at the Compaq Center in Houston, Texas. The Magic defeated the Rockets 108-93.

Can someone let me know why art is bad? Because every NBA team seems to hate it after getting rid of it on all of their unis. Here we have Hakeem the Dream rocking the navy with the dope rocket cartoon. All I know is if Harden got to wear these, he would be putting up 70 a night.

Indiana Pacers

When was the last time we saw swag like this in Indiana? Bring back the old jerseys and the Pacers are back to shutting down Spike Lee at the Garden. Plus Indiana has been churning out the worst designs in NBA history.

Memphis Grizzlies

All I had to do was look up How to Kill Jersey Sales 101 and the Grizzlies popped up. One of the greatest murders of our generation and we didn’t even notice it. Not only did they ruin their legacy by tearing down this basketball relic, they created the most drab, the most ugly, the most plain jane jersey known to man. Not even fucking Carlton Banks would be caught dead in a Grizzlies jersey nowadays. If you need more examples of how bad these jerseys are, these jerseys are essentially Marc Gasol personified.

Update: I just saw the shorts too, and man do I hate the Grizzlies organization for not bringing back the bears that were literally on the shorts.

Miami Heat

I’m gonna save some words on the Heat, but I do think it would be better if they kept the outline along the letters. Honestly though, why would they get rid of such a simple detail that adds so much to the jersey?

Milwaukee Bucks

Another piece of art ripped away from us for no reason, also they’ve gotten rid of the forest green and purple combo. Who just has a random inclination to change an entire color scheme that worked so well for so many years? Now they play in ugly ass beige and green jerseys. smh.

 

Minnesota Timberwolves

The wolves’ jerseys went from awesome lettering and flashy colors to a jersey whose font looks like something you might on an erectile disfunction advertisement. This year’s Wolves jerseys are so weak for a team called the Timberwolves. I’m not at all afraid of these cupcake unis. Bring back the triangles on the collar and the intimidating logo and I will be happy.

New Orleans Pelicans

I’m only talking about the pelicans because of how god awful their mascot, logo, and uniforms. Why the fuck would a team be the PELICANS?! Such an awful name for an equally awful team. They won’t be good until they change their horrendous branding. From the baby cake doll to the ugly ass pelican they have now, everything they touch turns to shit.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Fuck the Thunder. They took a great name in the SuperSonics and created the worst name in NBA history. First off, fuck names that are collective nouns. I’m looking at you Jazz, Heat, Magic, and Thunder. I can’t call a player “a Thunder.” I can call someone a Knick, a Bulls, but certainly not a Thunder. Second, you can’t fucking show Thunder. Thunder is a sound dipshits. If you’re mascot is an OX, and there isn’t any semblance of Thunder anywhere, you know you have a problem. The SuperSonics on the other hand is a dope name. No one has ever heard of a SuperSonic and it sounds awesome. At least bring back the Sonics jersey one time instead of wearing the fake throwback jerseys that are navy for absolutely no reason.

Orlando Magicians

This should honestly be pretty straightforward. Just add some more lines and stars, and you have a jersey that can somewhat replicate the Shaq and Penny years.

Philadelphia 76ers

I won’t trust the process until they bring back the old Sixers logo with the basketball and weird blue streak behind it. These news jerseys are weird af, why do they say Phila on them? There are several better options including Philly, 76ers, Sixers, Philadelphia, The Torn ACLs, but instead they choose Phila, which absolutely no one calls them. The old jerseys bring back 2003 and the legend of AI. Do the right thing Phila.

Phoenix Suns

Phoenix is another team to fall victim of having a terrible team name, but boy did they make use of it in the 90s. The basketball streaking across the jersey with the sun glowing behind it. Can’t get any better than that. Their jerseys have actually improved since the Nash and A’mare era but still bring back the ones Barkley would get his assed kicked by Jordan in.

Toronto Raptors

The first of the two biggest losers. Toronto is so fucking stupid. In my opinion they had the third best uniforms of all time and they got rid of them completely. The ONLY thing they had going for them were those jerseys. Since they can’t even make a good decision on something so simple like a jersey, it makes me question their judgement with actual basketball. Also, let’s talk about a money maker, Vince Carter jerseys are selling faster than all of the current players. You might want to take a hint and switch back Toronto.

Utah Jazz

Oh Utah… What is you doing? Oh no Utah, you stupid fucking idiots. Oh Utah, I hate you. First off, and let’s get this on the record, they should have to change their name because Jazz music has never been played once in Salt Lake City. In the 90s, Utah made the best out of the name though. They created the best uniform of all time. The blue mountains and the purple background created a scene that should be in the louvre. You had it right Utah. Until you decided to commit what I think should be considered a hate crime. And you created the most boring piece of clothing ever to be put on a human. A navy blue tank with the word Utah in light blue. I honestly hope whoever was in charge during that decision making process was exiled.

Washington Wizards

Their new one is actually better than this one. I can admit this one is garbage.

Overall, the old jerseys were so much better and the NBA shouldn’t make me take out a mortgage to get my hands on them. Put them out for mass production and watch the profits soar. All these owners are complete buffoons and it’s interesting that all of these changes happened when Stern was commish. At least Silver understands how to make money and has started to turn things around.

P.S. I don’t feel like proofreading this, so it is what it is.

 

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